Recently I've had this feeling that I just can't shake off.
Ever since Tom broke up with me it feels like theres a huge hole where he used to be, I miss the way he always used to be at the end of the phone and the way he'd just sit on the phone and let me shout and scream when I was upset.
He was the most perfect guy, Everything I'd ever wanted all rolled into one perfect human being, He made me laugh and smile when I was upset, He would do little cute things like kiss my nose and leave me unexpected notes under my pillow for when he'd left, Everything we had was so perfect and felt so right.
I thought we'd have a future together, We seemed like such a perfect couple. He was my other half...In more ways than one, Tom made me feel whole and alive. Before I was so dead inside and didnt feel worth anything at all, but he turned that all around, I felt alive and wanted for the first time in a very long time....
I know that things can never go back to how they were before because he doesn't love me anymore, But sometimes I just wish everytime the phone rings, or the doorbell goes it would be him coming to tell me he made a mistake and that he still loves me, and everytime I'm dissapointed. I feel like an unwanted toy at Christmas, Discarded and Broken, Unwanted and Faulty. It hurts everyday and that pain never feels like its going away, Its like a giant aching hole that seems to grow everytime someone talks to me about him.
I just hope that the pain eventually goes away and I can get back to my normal self, Having fun with my friends and being the bubbly happy girl that I used to be.
I don't want to be broken anymore......
Lisa-Marie xoxoxox
Friday 18 December 2009
Thursday 17 December 2009
Tears, Hurt & Depression.
Its been a while since I've written a blog....Theres just something I feel I need to say.
I've been feeling like utter shit recently and its a feeling thats been dragging me down for quite a while. My boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago and ever since then its just felt like theres a ticking timebomb inside of me and its just waiting to explode.
I feel like I'm alienating friends and family because I'm so devasted because I thought he was " The One" and it hurts so much just to talk about him.
And I think I've found the loveliest guy ever, and he's my best friend in the whole world, I'm just scared to take our relationship any further because I'm scared to lose him as a friend if it all ends badly. I just don't know how I feel about him anymore, I like him...a lot, but I'm petrified because I feel, broken, because of how badly things ended with Tom. I feel like I'm not capable fo loving anyone else right now because it was just be fake.
I'm depressed again, my moods are all over the place and I seem to be angry all the time.
I'm not eating properly and I just drink to make myself feel full so I don't miss food, I've started smoking again and its making me so ill. I've ruined my realtionship with my parents as they think I'm just an arrogant stroppy teenager who can't control her temper, and Its really not like that. I want to talk to them about how I feel but I always get told the same thing, " You'll get over it, Plenty more fish in the sea" and its rubbish, Right now all I want them to do is give me a huge hug and never let go, I miss the way things used to be so simple with my parents, Sunday night hairwashing with my mum drying my hair with a towel with me curled up on her lap, The family meals where we could sit and talk without arguing, Me and Dad sitting and talking and just being silly, Pillow fights and tickle monsters with him seem like such distant memories now, Days when we'd go out on the bikes and just ride around for the sake of it.
Recently he's been looking so old and gaunt, It scares me because he isnt my " Daddy" anymore. He's a grumpy old man who doesn't laugh like he used to, his big belly laugh that used to get us all going, his smile doesnt reach his eyes anymore and he's so sensitive to everything. I just wish I could click my fingers and make "it" go away and bring my old Daddy back.
I just wish I could curl up in a ball and sleep for weeks on end, Maybe then I might wake up a bit happier and feeling more like the old me.
Lisa-Marie xoxoxo
I've been feeling like utter shit recently and its a feeling thats been dragging me down for quite a while. My boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago and ever since then its just felt like theres a ticking timebomb inside of me and its just waiting to explode.
I feel like I'm alienating friends and family because I'm so devasted because I thought he was " The One" and it hurts so much just to talk about him.
And I think I've found the loveliest guy ever, and he's my best friend in the whole world, I'm just scared to take our relationship any further because I'm scared to lose him as a friend if it all ends badly. I just don't know how I feel about him anymore, I like him...a lot, but I'm petrified because I feel, broken, because of how badly things ended with Tom. I feel like I'm not capable fo loving anyone else right now because it was just be fake.
I'm depressed again, my moods are all over the place and I seem to be angry all the time.
I'm not eating properly and I just drink to make myself feel full so I don't miss food, I've started smoking again and its making me so ill. I've ruined my realtionship with my parents as they think I'm just an arrogant stroppy teenager who can't control her temper, and Its really not like that. I want to talk to them about how I feel but I always get told the same thing, " You'll get over it, Plenty more fish in the sea" and its rubbish, Right now all I want them to do is give me a huge hug and never let go, I miss the way things used to be so simple with my parents, Sunday night hairwashing with my mum drying my hair with a towel with me curled up on her lap, The family meals where we could sit and talk without arguing, Me and Dad sitting and talking and just being silly, Pillow fights and tickle monsters with him seem like such distant memories now, Days when we'd go out on the bikes and just ride around for the sake of it.
Recently he's been looking so old and gaunt, It scares me because he isnt my " Daddy" anymore. He's a grumpy old man who doesn't laugh like he used to, his big belly laugh that used to get us all going, his smile doesnt reach his eyes anymore and he's so sensitive to everything. I just wish I could click my fingers and make "it" go away and bring my old Daddy back.
I just wish I could curl up in a ball and sleep for weeks on end, Maybe then I might wake up a bit happier and feeling more like the old me.
Lisa-Marie xoxoxo
Tuesday 23 June 2009
Anger, Hurt, Loneliness
I can't do this anymore, I'm struggling so much to keep up this cheerful facade.
Everything just seems to be going wrong recently and I'm finding it really difficult to cope with everything.
It feels like I have nothing to live for anymore. I've lost so much weight recently and although its what I want, It just doesnt feel right...
I've been diagnosed with depression and its really shocked me, I never thought things could get this bad.
Whenever anyone askes me if I'm okay, It always takes me a few extra seconds to reply with " I'm Fine" because deep down I know that I'm really not but I could never admit that to anyone. I've lost nearly all of my closest friends because I get moody and distant around them, and I can't help it.
My parents are beginning to think that I'm a complete waste of time because I've quit college and just lay around all day being miserable and crying.
I just can't help it, I'm an emotional car-crash.
I don't like myself very much at the moment, In fact I hate myself.
I hate my body and my personality, I dont like the way I look, I wish I could change myself.
Whenever I look in the mirror I just want to cry, All I want is to be beautiful and thin, I feel weak, I know I have friends who will support me, I know my family really love me but I don't feel good enough to please anyone, I've given up on everything, I've stopped eating because it makes me feel sick and guilty inside, Like I've broken a hidden promise in my mind. I want to be skinny, I want my hipbones to show and I want to be a size 8..In my heart I know this is never going to be possible without starving myself to death but in my mind I want it so bad that I'm willing to suffer for it.
I'm constantly hungry and I have constant pain in my stomach, I drink water to kid myself into feeling full, I avoid mealtimes by pretending to be asleep or saying I ate before I came home.
My parents can see what i'm doing to myself but nothing they say will stop me from wanting to be perfect.
I won't stop until I look my best...I have to suceed if I want to be beautiful.
When I look in the mirror, all I can see is fat..The voices in my head say " Try harder to get rid of that". I've always been the chubby one in the family, but now I will be thin, Soon I'll be strong enough to stop eating and then I'll stop fat getting in.
People just don't understand, I just want to be thin, People say I'm stupid and that i'm making myself ill but I don't see it that way. I see it as a quick way of losing weight and being close to perfect.
Please don't judge me.
Lisa-Marie xxx
Everything just seems to be going wrong recently and I'm finding it really difficult to cope with everything.
It feels like I have nothing to live for anymore. I've lost so much weight recently and although its what I want, It just doesnt feel right...
I've been diagnosed with depression and its really shocked me, I never thought things could get this bad.
Whenever anyone askes me if I'm okay, It always takes me a few extra seconds to reply with " I'm Fine" because deep down I know that I'm really not but I could never admit that to anyone. I've lost nearly all of my closest friends because I get moody and distant around them, and I can't help it.
My parents are beginning to think that I'm a complete waste of time because I've quit college and just lay around all day being miserable and crying.
I just can't help it, I'm an emotional car-crash.
I don't like myself very much at the moment, In fact I hate myself.
I hate my body and my personality, I dont like the way I look, I wish I could change myself.
Whenever I look in the mirror I just want to cry, All I want is to be beautiful and thin, I feel weak, I know I have friends who will support me, I know my family really love me but I don't feel good enough to please anyone, I've given up on everything, I've stopped eating because it makes me feel sick and guilty inside, Like I've broken a hidden promise in my mind. I want to be skinny, I want my hipbones to show and I want to be a size 8..In my heart I know this is never going to be possible without starving myself to death but in my mind I want it so bad that I'm willing to suffer for it.
I'm constantly hungry and I have constant pain in my stomach, I drink water to kid myself into feeling full, I avoid mealtimes by pretending to be asleep or saying I ate before I came home.
My parents can see what i'm doing to myself but nothing they say will stop me from wanting to be perfect.
I won't stop until I look my best...I have to suceed if I want to be beautiful.
When I look in the mirror, all I can see is fat..The voices in my head say " Try harder to get rid of that". I've always been the chubby one in the family, but now I will be thin, Soon I'll be strong enough to stop eating and then I'll stop fat getting in.
People just don't understand, I just want to be thin, People say I'm stupid and that i'm making myself ill but I don't see it that way. I see it as a quick way of losing weight and being close to perfect.
Please don't judge me.
Lisa-Marie xxx
Hidden Pain
For the past year I have had only one true wish...That wish is to be skinny. All my family and most of my friends tell me that I'm fine the way I am but something inside of me just doesn't feel right, It feels totally wrong.
I get the feeling that I'm in the wrong body, because the way that I am just doesnt feel right at all. I've been bulimic for about a year and a half now and its beginning to take over my life. Its not something I'm proud of and I don't want people to think that it is.
The Media and celebrity culture is partly to blame for the way I am because of all the images they print, of perfect women with perfect skin, hair and bodies. They don't realise the effect that they have on teenage girls when they publish pictures that have been retouched and changed so that it doesn't refect the real person in the picture at all.
I was thinking about cutting out food altogether but I don't want to get any sicker. I just want to fulfill my wish, and I want to fulfill it soon. I can't live with my body like this. I feel so unattractive and disgusting.
And I know that a lot of people would think that I am a fat ugly bitch and I guess you just can't help the way you think of me. But I would appreciate genuine support and help. This is the first time I have EVER spoken about the past year and a half and I don't want to keep it bottled up anymore because I do think that I need help in someway.
Please don't bully people because of weight or the way they look, sometimes it affects them more than you think it does,
LisaMarie xx
I get the feeling that I'm in the wrong body, because the way that I am just doesnt feel right at all. I've been bulimic for about a year and a half now and its beginning to take over my life. Its not something I'm proud of and I don't want people to think that it is.
The Media and celebrity culture is partly to blame for the way I am because of all the images they print, of perfect women with perfect skin, hair and bodies. They don't realise the effect that they have on teenage girls when they publish pictures that have been retouched and changed so that it doesn't refect the real person in the picture at all.
I was thinking about cutting out food altogether but I don't want to get any sicker. I just want to fulfill my wish, and I want to fulfill it soon. I can't live with my body like this. I feel so unattractive and disgusting.
And I know that a lot of people would think that I am a fat ugly bitch and I guess you just can't help the way you think of me. But I would appreciate genuine support and help. This is the first time I have EVER spoken about the past year and a half and I don't want to keep it bottled up anymore because I do think that I need help in someway.
Please don't bully people because of weight or the way they look, sometimes it affects them more than you think it does,
LisaMarie xx
My One True Wish
For the past year I have had only one true wish...That wish is to be skinny. All my family and most of my friends tell me that I'm fine the way I am but something inside of me just doesn't feel right, It feels totally wrong.
I get the feeling that I'm in the wrong body, because the way that I am just doesnt feel right at all. I've been bulimic for about a year and a half now and its beginning to take over my life. Its not something I'm proud of and I don't want people to think that it is.
The Media and celebrity culture is partly to blame for the way I am because of all the images they print, of perfect women with perfect skin, hair and bodies. They don't realise the effect that they have on teenage girls when they publish pictures that have been retouched and changed so that it doesn't refect the real person in the picture at all.
I was thinking about cutting out food altogether but I don't want to get any sicker. I just want to fulfill my wish, and I want to fulfill it soon. I can't live with my body like this. I feel so unattractive and disgusting.
And I know that a lot of people would think that I am a fat ugly bitch and I guess you just can't help the way you think of me. But I would appreciate genuine support and help. This is the first time I have EVER spoken about the past year and a half and I don't want to keep it bottled up anymore because I do think that I need help in someway.
Please don't bully people because of weight or the way they look, sometimes it affects them more than you think it does,
LisaMarie xx
I get the feeling that I'm in the wrong body, because the way that I am just doesnt feel right at all. I've been bulimic for about a year and a half now and its beginning to take over my life. Its not something I'm proud of and I don't want people to think that it is.
The Media and celebrity culture is partly to blame for the way I am because of all the images they print, of perfect women with perfect skin, hair and bodies. They don't realise the effect that they have on teenage girls when they publish pictures that have been retouched and changed so that it doesn't refect the real person in the picture at all.
I was thinking about cutting out food altogether but I don't want to get any sicker. I just want to fulfill my wish, and I want to fulfill it soon. I can't live with my body like this. I feel so unattractive and disgusting.
And I know that a lot of people would think that I am a fat ugly bitch and I guess you just can't help the way you think of me. But I would appreciate genuine support and help. This is the first time I have EVER spoken about the past year and a half and I don't want to keep it bottled up anymore because I do think that I need help in someway.
Please don't bully people because of weight or the way they look, sometimes it affects them more than you think it does,
LisaMarie xx
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