Tears, Hurt & Depression.

Its been a while since I've written a blog....Theres just something I feel I need to say.
I've been feeling like utter shit recently and its a feeling thats been dragging me down for quite a while. My boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago and ever since then its just felt like theres a ticking timebomb inside of me and its just waiting to explode.
I feel like I'm alienating friends and family because I'm so devasted because I thought he was " The One" and it hurts so much just to talk about him.
And I think I've found the loveliest guy ever, and he's my best friend in the whole world, I'm just scared to take our relationship any further because I'm scared to lose him as a friend if it all ends badly. I just don't know how I feel about him anymore, I like him...a lot, but I'm petrified because I feel, broken, because of how badly things ended with Tom. I feel like I'm not capable fo loving anyone else right now because it was just be fake.
I'm depressed again, my moods are all over the place and I seem to be angry all the time.
I'm not eating properly and I just drink to make myself feel full so I don't miss food, I've started smoking again and its making me so ill. I've ruined my realtionship with my parents as they think I'm just an arrogant stroppy teenager who can't control her temper, and Its really not like that. I want to talk to them about how I feel but I always get told the same thing, " You'll get over it, Plenty more fish in the sea" and its rubbish, Right now all I want them to do is give me a huge hug and never let go, I miss the way things used to be so simple with my parents, Sunday night hairwashing with my mum drying my hair with a towel with me curled up on her lap, The family meals where we could sit and talk without arguing, Me and Dad sitting and talking and just being silly, Pillow fights and tickle monsters with him seem like such distant memories now, Days when we'd go out on the bikes and just ride around for the sake of it.
Recently he's been looking so old and gaunt, It scares me because he isnt my " Daddy" anymore. He's a grumpy old man who doesn't laugh like he used to, his big belly laugh that used to get us all going, his smile doesnt reach his eyes anymore and he's so sensitive to everything. I just wish I could click my fingers and make "it" go away and bring my old Daddy back.

I just wish I could curl up in a ball and sleep for weeks on end, Maybe then I might wake up a bit happier and feeling more like the old me.



Lisa-Marie xoxoxo