Anger, Hurt, Loneliness

I can't do this anymore, I'm struggling so much to keep up this cheerful facade.
Everything just seems to be going wrong recently and I'm finding it really difficult to cope with everything.
It feels like I have nothing to live for anymore. I've lost so much weight recently and although its what I want, It just doesnt feel right...
I've been diagnosed with depression and its really shocked me, I never thought things could get this bad.
Whenever anyone askes me if I'm okay, It always takes me a few extra seconds to reply with " I'm Fine" because deep down I know that I'm really not but I could never admit that to anyone. I've lost nearly all of my closest friends because I get moody and distant around them, and I can't help it.
My parents are beginning to think that I'm a complete waste of time because I've quit college and just lay around all day being miserable and crying.
I just can't help it, I'm an emotional car-crash.

I don't like myself very much at the moment, In fact I hate myself.
I hate my body and my personality, I dont like the way I look, I wish I could change myself.

Whenever I look in the mirror I just want to cry, All I want is to be beautiful and thin, I feel weak, I know I have friends who will support me, I know my family really love me but I don't feel good enough to please anyone, I've given up on everything, I've stopped eating because it makes me feel sick and guilty inside, Like I've broken a hidden promise in my mind. I want to be skinny, I want my hipbones to show and I want to be a size 8..In my heart I know this is never going to be possible without starving myself to death but in my mind I want it so bad that I'm willing to suffer for it.

I'm constantly hungry and I have constant pain in my stomach, I drink water to kid myself into feeling full, I avoid mealtimes by pretending to be asleep or saying I ate before I came home.
My parents can see what i'm doing to myself but nothing they say will stop me from wanting to be perfect.
I won't stop until I look my best...I have to suceed if I want to be beautiful.

When I look in the mirror, all I can see is fat..The voices in my head say " Try harder to get rid of that". I've always been the chubby one in the family, but now I will be thin, Soon I'll be strong enough to stop eating and then I'll stop fat getting in.
People just don't understand, I just want to be thin, People say I'm stupid and that i'm making myself ill but I don't see it that way. I see it as a quick way of losing weight and being close to perfect.

Please don't judge me.


Lisa-Marie xxx